piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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