Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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