Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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