Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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