My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
