I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
