Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize