I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
