the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
