Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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