My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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