judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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