question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
