I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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