It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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