Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
