Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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