apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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