You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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