You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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