I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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