We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
