you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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