He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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