The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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