Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
