We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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