Cold hands, warm shart.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
