I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
