I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
