i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
