If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
