So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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