Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
