His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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