i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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