Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
