i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
