Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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