"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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