he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
