4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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