Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You pole danced in your parka.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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