Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
