i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The power of my boobs compel you
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
