i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize