My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
organizing the empties. That sober.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
