I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
