just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
