I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
