Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
