Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
