I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
