I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize