i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
