operation have a gay friend backfired
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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